Trigger Warning: Body image struggles and exact weight mention
Becoming a Delaware boudoir photographer has forced me to confront my own self-image issues. To develop my portfolio, I’ve been using myself as a model for some self-portraits. Analyzing myself in that position has been overwhelming to say the least.
“Do I really look like that?”
“Is that really what my body looks like from that angle?”
Self-portraits are challenging for a variety of reasons, but the biggest is that there is no filter between me and the photos. With a dedicated boudoir photographer, they can sculpt your body with proper positioning and camera angles. And if an image doesn’t turn out, they won’t let you see it. They only show you images where you look absolutely incredible.
When doing self-portraits, you don’t get that luxury. I had to go through every image, combing through even the ones where I didn’t look my best.
But you know what I realized? It’s exactly the same self-doubt I had in high school.
As a high schooler, I was 6 feet tall and 115 pounds. I was running 9 miles a day and deliberately not feeding myself enough to get through. I still felt absolutely huge. During college, I started to get closer to a healthy weight. By the time I graduated, I was what I would consider average (but what is average, anyway?). After I started working from home, and certainly after the pandemic hit, I started coping with my anxiety with food. Who didn’t eat more pasta to deal with the Lovecraftian horror we were all experiencing?
I've clocked in at every size from XS to XXL. Struggling with my self-confidence at every size made me realize body image had nothing to do with my weight. It had everything to do with my self-image.
Losing a dress size won’t make you love yourself more. No matter how many diets we go on, we can never lose enough weight to find self-acceptance. We have to start cultivating that self-love at whatever size we find ourselves. It isn’t easy. It isn’t something that happens overnight. But it also isn’t something we have to deprive ourselves until we hit our goal weight.
Self-love isn’t a carrot on a stick we can wave in front of ourselves on the treadmill. It’s the little voice in your head cheering you on whether you do the 5k training or stay home to give yourself a mental break. Starving ourselves from love won’t make us fitter, and it certainly won’t make us healthier. A healthy dose of self-esteem is just what the doctor ordered.
